The maid of honor just puked.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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