You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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