She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
