I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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