i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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