he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
