Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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