I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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