He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Send help, water and tortillas.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
