they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize