So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
