Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
