I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
