Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
