I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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