I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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