what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
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