If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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