My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
