I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
