If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
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