There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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