i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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