u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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