You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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