when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
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