she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize