Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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