Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
