youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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