I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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