I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
