i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You are the jesus of drinking
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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