Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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