U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
