his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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