He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
