Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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