i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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