Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
