found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
