I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
