You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
