I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
