btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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