wrigley field is MILF paradise
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
