Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
