On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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