What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
