i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
