One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
