last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
