The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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