On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
