I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
