what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize