with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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