Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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